The Wrong Permanent Solution
Over the last 7 or 8 years, I have written short stories about everything under the sun. Catfish, biscuits, nose hair and greasy spoons. First cars, first houses, first jobs and first breakups. The ugly cousin from New Jersey named Matilda and my Uncle Claude and Aunt Zelma.
Integration, the sixties, bad haircuts and the military lottery. Eulogies, memorials, tributes and white lies. Football, baseball, basketball and the communist sport of soccer. Football camp, chicken stews, rodeos and homecoming parade routes.
Many of these subjects are a result of something brought up by a friend or something witnessed while driving through the backroads of kudzu. Today, I felt compelled to discuss a touchy subject that affects all of us, either directly or indirectly.
That subject is suicide.
One of my very best friends stated it the best way: “It’s a permanent solution for a temporary problem.” Another friend made this statement: “It’s the most selfish act known to man.” Feel free to substitute the word cowardly for selfish.
When we get the news that someone chose to end his or her own life, the emotions run the entire gamut from shock to grief to pity to anger and to self-guilt. By self-guilt, it is human nature to ask ourselves: “Why didn’t I do something to help him/her? I should have called him. I never took time from my schedule to stop by and visit.”
More than anything, we never realize they were serious about self-harm. The small warning signs were ignored. Subtle comments from the deceased become more magnified. Those of us with good mental health have ways to cope with losing a spouse, a job, a relationship or even bankruptcy. We adjust and vow to fight through it all. Ending it all is never the solution.
Relying on faith, family and friends can’t be overstated. More than anything, a positive attitude gets us through the tough times.
Mental health professionals teach us to take off- the -cuff comments, seriously. Examples: “I’m just a loser. I don’t know if life is worth continuing like this. I can never recover from the cards I have been dealt. I am such a burden on my family that the best solution might be to end it all.”
If you have ever been around an individual who has threatened to end it all, the mental strain is often unbearable. We are scared to death (no pun intended) that we could never forgive ourselves if they did follow through. The easiest option is to give in. Loan them more money. Pay for more “toys.” End your current relationship since they threatened self-destruction if we didn’t adhere to their demands. Pay for another trip so they can “find themselves.”
To make matters worse for the younger generation, social media, music and movies have glamorized suicide. Even some AI platforms give pointers on techniques to use. Teens quickly learn the art of total control over families by simply bringing the subject to the forefront. Naturally, parents or grandparents give in to avoid the self-blame game IF something did happen.
Why bring this touchy subject up now? The easy answer is this: if not NOW then when?
Like many of you, I have lost friends, classmates, former students and coworkers to this selfish act. As a former coach, I have a tendency to categorize different events. In my mind, there are 3 different “causes:” Relationships, finances and health. I am not a psychologist but can use common sense to make this statement: ALL suicide victims were going through some type of depression.
Recently, I lost a friend who had lost his job, his girlfriend and had turned to some questionable actions to cope with his depression. He reached out to me, and I responded but never heard back from him. Could I have done more? I will never know.
As I think back on some other acquittances who chose the easy way out, it all came down to relationships, finances or health. Often, there was a combination of these factors. For example: gambling debts which led to a spouse walking out. A terminal illness diagnosis which led to depression, bankruptcy and isolation from his loved ones.
A friend’s wife was cooking the company books to hide her stealing. She began to drink more and more until it became too much. She called one of my family members and wanted to meet up for lunch when she was back in town. Unfortunately, the lunch date never happened. At her memorial service, we stood around awkwardly and repeated the same word over and over: “WHY?”
All of us experience degrees of depression from time to time. We all have lost relationships. We all have had financial challenges in our lives. We all have had health issues to deal with.
Fortunately for our loved ones, which includes family and friends, we support, love and listen to each other, especially during tough times. A shoulder to lean on or cry on might mean the difference in life or death.
Let’s do our part for each other.
Before it’s too late.