Coach Speak vs. Coach Truth
Yesterday, the annual SEC Football Media Days finished in Tampa. The custodians will take the next 2 days to sweep up the bull manure that was spread by coaches and the players who think NIL stands for Now I’m Leaving. The decision to hold this event in Tampa makes about as much sense as having the SEC basketball tournament in St. Louis. Like they did.
I have been following college football since the early sixties, and this might be the LEAST amount of interest leading up to the season. Why? Free agency to move from school to school. Spoiled millionaire “amateur” players and expanded playoffs so everyone gets a trophy. Also, staff have expanded to unlimited numbers instead of the 9 coaches in the old days.
It doesn’t take a PHD to recognize the comments coming from coach’s lips to tell the difference in “Coach-Speak” and “Coach-Truth.” I am about to show you the difference in the two. I will refer to one as Coach Speak and the other as Coach Truth.
Coach Speak says the “right” things and spins everything to meet a narrative. Look for terms like challenge and opportunity along with numerous references to family. Coach Truth will make responses that could NEVER be made to the same question but come from the heart. Enjoy.
Reporter: “Coach, you just took this new job after you had only been at your last job for 3 years. What does this say to the players, recruits and fans that you left high and dry?”
Coach Speak: “First of all, this was the toughest decision that my family and I ever made. A lot of praying went into this decision. I took the last job with the intention of retiring there. Opportunities like this don’t come along very often. Trust me, I was being honest when I said that I had no interest in this new job. I had to do what was in the best interest of my family. We leave there with great memories and wish them nothing but the best.”
Coach Truth: “I couldn’t wait to get out of there. The fans thought that I should be able to win the Kentucky Derby with Mr. Ed. The facilities and salaries were the worst in the league. With this new contract, I will make more money in one year than I did in 3 years over there. As for the recruits, we won’t be offering any of those that we were recruiting since they aren’t good enough to play here. Good luck to the poor sucker that takes that job. I will give him 2 years before he is looking for a new job himself.
Reporter: “Since signing day, how would you assess your incoming class and did you meet all your needs?”
Coach Speak: “This will go down as one of our best classes ever. We signed almost every player that we wanted. My staff worked day and night to find the best student-athletes to represent our university. I realize that the press will make a big deal out of our last place recruiting ranking in the league, but we would rather sign these 2 and 3- star players and turn them into 5 stars.”
Coach Truth: “This class sucks. Out of the 25 players that we signed, only 7 players were recruited by others in our league. 6 of our signees couldn’t pass gas and will be ineligible. We did beat Arkansas School for Auctioneers and Goat Herders for the quarterback, Wilbur “Wormy” Wooster. Our media people had to be drunk when they put out the press release about Wormy. It read: 6 ft.3 in. 210 pounds. 4.5 in the 40. 4-star with a 3.2 GPA. The truth: put him at 6 feet on his tiptoes. He is 200 pounds when we weigh him with his ankle weights on. We clock him with a calendar and he thinks GPA stands for Gonna Pass Anyway. The only time that he got 4 stars was when he won the 3rd grade spelling bee against the other 2 students in his class.”
Reporter: “The transfer portal has changed the landscape of college football by allowing players to become eligible immediately. What are your feelings about this new rule?”
Coach Speak: “I am opposed to the transfer rule. Player’s loyalty doesn’t mean anything anymore. We are going to win with the ones that we recruited and signed instead of depending on taking the ones who are disgruntled with their current school. Those players have a reason for leaving and it’s not always good. Teams that take transfers are going to lose and have problems.”
Coach Truth: “I love the new rule. I just hate that every player in the transfer portal chose to go somewhere else instead of here. If we don’t load up on transfers, we are going to get beat and get fired. We offered some of the players in the portal cars, jewelry and free meals at Golden Corral for life. My goal is to hit the boosters up for more moolah to hopefully sign some of these super athletes. If we don’t win, it’s their fault.”
Reporter: “Have you seen the video of one of your rival coaches dancing and singing karaoke with a top recruit and his family? Is there a limit to what a coach should do to get a recruit?”
Coach Speak: “I thought that it was amusing. That coach is a good friend of mine. He does a great job with his program. For me, I will stick to the basics of offering a quality education and the chance to play at a world-class institution like ours. I have been recruiting this way for years and don’t plan on changing.”
Coach Truth: “I saw the video. He looked like somebody had laced his cereal with Metamucil and Ex Lax. Would I do it? Heck yea if it meant getting THAT kid. I would dance with his grandmother who is a spitting image of Fred Sanford’s sister-in-law, Esther. Years ago, I was asked to sing karaoke in a recruit’s house. I thought that my version of ‘She Thinks My Tractor Is Sexy’ was great. Problem was that it was too great. That recruit is now an All-American lineman at Auburn.”
Anybody know of a new challenge and opportunity?
It will be best thing for me and my family.