Long Before I Do
As I grow older, I notice more and more youngsters (those under 60) who all date the same person: their handheld electronic device. A recent poll found that people under 25 years of age would rather be in the presence of their cell phone than in a meaningful relationship with another person.
When we were growing up, terms like dating, dancing, going steady and finding your soulmate consumed our days. Now, I see groups of kids on a Friday or Saturday night at a pizza joint, staring at their phones. I recently asked my wife: “Do any of these kids ever go on a date or do they just retreat to their parent’s basement and play video games?”
I am convinced of a few things about today’s youth: 1. They know nothing about commitment. 2. They know nothing about hard work. 3. They know nothing about failure since everyone gets a trophy. 4. They know nothing about being broke since their parents are always there to bail them out. 5. They know nothing about consequences.
That preceding statement is painting youth with a broad brush and actually, downright stupid. There are exceptions, especially for kids who are growing up in a disciplined environment which includes role models like coaches, band directors, youth leaders, scoutmasters, teachers, mentors and especially parents and grandparents who demand excellence. Those are to be commended.
The following is a common-sense primer for youngsters who might be thinking about tying the knot. This is a result of observing decades of couples who “made it work.”
It could be entitled: “Before You Marry:”
First of all, make sure you are marrying your best friend. This is the person you would rather spend time with above anyone else if given a choice. Spending time with other friends is extremely important. But if golfing buddies, drinking buddies, gambling buddies, Bunco buddies, concert buddies, happy hour buddies, Facebook buddies, pickleball buddies and childhood friends are more important, you might want to have an in-depth conversation with your soon-to-be- partner.
Love, looks, and compatibility along with fireworks, roses and wine are all important. However, one trait stands above them all: communication. It doesn’t take a marriage counselor to point this out BUT every relationship including family, business, and friendship that has FAILED is due to “lack of communication.” Never assume. Break down the word ASSUME into 3 words: Assume makes an A$$ out of U and Me.
This one trait for youngsters is difficult to comprehend if they have never had to communicate. Texting, email, Instagram, AI will never take the place of face-to-face communication. There are hundreds of stories about lack of communication through texts where a punctuation mark, missing letter or misspelled weird caused a total breakdown.
Before deciding on the wedding day, study and discuss each other’s work ethic. Have you observed their response when things went South? Times are going to be difficult. Momma and Daddy won’t be there for you. If you are planning on them bailing you out all the time, that marriage is bound for failure. Make it your family goal to make it on your own. You will appreciate it later.
Your parents and grandparents called it “making do.” Those tough times were the glue that held the marriage together. Living in a trailer without insulation. Ramen noodles five nights a week. Taking on 2nd and 3rd jobs. Exchanging homemade Christmas gifts.
Ask any couple who has survived tough times and they will all exclaim: “Our Tough times were our Best times.” After all these years, we now wonder how we made it.
The next discussion is important: an open understanding about your faith life. Which church or denomination will you attend? Or, how important is faith/church to each of you? I’m not preaching or saying that an active church life is mandatory. I’m just saying that without faith-based support of some type, you are building your family on shifting sand.
It’s also important to be on the same page about raising children (if any) and their church life. Be upfront with each other also about your feelings and methods concerning discipline.
Remember this: when you marry, you indirectly marry your partner’s entire family. An easy rule: watch how a man treats his mother. Is the bride-to-be manipulative to her family and always gets her way?
There is an old adage: men say I hope she never changes. Women say I think I can change him. Accept this adage with a grain of salt: the groom’s mother thinks No One is worthy of her son AND the bride’s father thinks NO One is worthy of his daughter. Prove them wrong through actions instead of words.
Speaking of in-laws, it’s best to have the infamous “holiday plans,” well in advance. Specifically, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Do we alternate? Which family has certain traditions? You are about to be an independent couple. Divorces have been triggered by overbearing in-laws who demanded holidays, birthdays, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s day, Valentines, and graduation be spent at their home.
There have also been near knockdown dragouts at the hospital over which grandmother holds the newborn first. It’s funny now. Just not then.
Remember, marriage is a full-time job to make it work. Study the vows, especially the phrase about sickness and health.
It’s not easy, but with your best friend,
It’s definitely worth it.