Tell Me a Lie Peepaw
All of us have or had that special person in our life that we call Peepaw, Pappy, Big Daddy, Pops, Papa, Gramps, Bee or simply Grandfather. Many granddads are currently reliving their younger days by doing little things with the grandkids. We light up like THE Leighton redlight when they put us on a pedestal by bragging to their friends about how we can still throw a curveball, filet a catfish or drive a straight shift.
Just do me a favor and don’t spill our little secret. If you did, they would realize that those angel wings on us don’t fold back under our jacket very quickly or safely.
Almost daily, I hear of a “tale” passed down through the years from a granddad to his grandkids. Here are a few which come to mind.
“Don’t play in the fire or you will wet the bed.” I never believed that there was a connection between fire, a stick and your kidneys and bladder. I remember our Scoutmaster, Jimmy King, running us through a beltline, teaching us how to tie a bowline knot and learn the Boy Scout pledge. I NEVER remember his telling us while camping; to stay away from the fire or you would pee in the paper-thin sleeping bag.
Nobody could tell a story like Jimmy and make it believable. If Jimmy King said a rooster dipped snuff, we would look under his wing for the can.
Some of the best times with Peepaw were digging for worms and headed to the river to wet a hook. There is a special section in Heaven for Grandads who took their grandkids fishing. A few Grandpaw tales have been around since Moby Dick was a minner.
“The surest way to catch fish is to kiss your hook and bait before putting it in the water.” As far as I know, no kid died from kissing a red wiggler while his Papaw smiled like the cat that ate the canary. A few more sanitary granddads just told them to spit on the hook.
The other lie went something like this: “The reason you aren’t catching anything is because you aren’t holding your mouth right.” Soon after, Pop would contort his face as an example needed to catch a mess of bluegills. He ignored that fact that Nanny had told the grands earlier that their twisted face could get frozen if they didn’t stop.
Another fib involved fishing from a john boat. Each time a fish was caught, they were told to make an X in the bottom of the boat to mark the spot where they were biting.
Big Daddy got stumped when one of the youngsters saw through the ruse and asked a simple question: “What if we go in a different boat next time?” That’s an unanswerable question.
Did you know there was a technique for finding out the first letter of your future wife? Poppy would say: “Take an apple and start twisting the stem. As you twist it, slowly say the alphabet. A-B-C-D. When the stem breaks off, that accompanying letter indicates your wife’s first name letter.”
Naturally, we put very little pressure on the stem UNTIL it hit the letter we wanted. Since “S” as in Susan is the 19th letter, I needed an apple with a strong stem. A weak stem meant marrying an Ann, Anita, Angela or Agatha (Heaven forbid.)
This one has been passed around for decades: “There is a special chemical placed in the swimming pool which shows if you pee in the pool.” No one would dare want to get outed for such a crime, especially if you just twisted the stem from an apple and your future wife was nearby. That would be an awful way to start a relationship.
I could guarantee one of the groomsmen would bring it up during the toast at the rehearsal dinner.
The final tale that Peepaw shared with his grandkids involved pinto beans in a can. “The beans in a can are all stacked a certain way. If you ever find a can of beans where the beans are stacked upside down, don’t eat them unless you want a bad case of hiccups. Every time you belch, the dog will run hide under his blanket.”
Randy Travis sang about a grandfather who “Walked on Water” in his grandson’s eyes.
What would we give today to show Paw Paw a can of pintos that were packed upside down?
We would eat them and belch in his memory.