Answering Stupid Questions
Coaches hate sportswriters who don’t do their homework and don’t know if a baseball is made from a horsehide, a pigskin or a cowhide. Many of them have no idea about the difficulty in succeeding under pressure. Hitting a 90-mph fastball is one of the toughest things to do in athletics.
The only thing that is harder is keeping your cool answering stupid questions.
“Why did you intentionally walk 2 batters to load the bases in the last inning?”
“First of all, the game was tied and we were the visiting team. After the #3 hitter struck out, the cleanup hitter hit a triple. He represented the winning run. The #5 and #6 hitters had both ripped the ball earlier so loading the bases meant we could bring the corners in and play for a double play in the middle. Their #7 hitter had struck out twice in the game. If I knew he was going to check swing and hit a blooper to beat us, I would have played it differently.”
The sports guy asking the question ended his career as the right fielder on his Mother’s T-ball team years ago.
“Coach, why didn’t you go for 2 instead of missing the extra point for the loss?”
“Well, Grantland Rice, if I had known our kicker was going to drill our left tackle with a point-blank leather enema instead of putting it through the uprights, I would have chosen to go for two. The decision is easy after the fact.”
Stupid questions aren’t reserved for sports writers. They are often asked by parents. Here are a few examples:
“Close that door. Were you raised in a barn?” Southerners often must explain this in-depth question to our northern brethren. It simply means someone didn’t close the door fast enough.
Possible answers which would result in the back of your head hitting the floor would be: “Yes, since I was raised in a barn, I can explain to my classmates where that unique smell on my clothes comes from.” Or “Being raised in a barn with all the farm animals makes me see the resemblance to some of my aunts on your side.”
“Do you want something to REALLY cry about?” When a kid cries, they don’t get to fill out a multiple-choice questionnaire for the causes. Bee stings, getting picked on for wearing a bowtie or being the last one chosen in Red Rover brings on tears.
The correct answer is not: “Yes. Please get the belt, fly swatter, spatula or switch so I will have something to really cry about. Twisting my ear or pinching my leg in church would be another good option.”
“Have you had a tetanus shot recently?” This one totally baffles me at the doctor’s office. First, I couldn’t name a soul in my lifetime that I knew of who had tetanus. Secondly, the nurse just takes our word for it. Everybody lies.
The last tetanus shot might have been given to you in 1959 by the county nurse who made Nurse Ratchet look like Miss Congeniality, but you still must answer this mindless question. I’m not making light of tetanus, just the fact that we are asked about it.
“Did you taste the stew and put that same spoon back in the stew?” Men have been doing that since Adam tasted Eve’s first batch of Eden Stew. The rational (if caught) is that the heat will kill any of the saliva germs that might be on the spoon.
To this day, I think my Daddy’s world-famous chicken stew was made tastier by the sweat dripping from his brow that splattered off the stew paddle and into the cast iron pot. The very thought that a small spoon could contaminate it just doesn’t make sense.
This stupid question from a state trooper takes the cake: “Do you know why I stopped you?” Your smart mouth needs to remain in Park even though the thought cogs are turning. “Was it because I was going too slow? You thought I had kidnapped your ugly mother-in-law and stopped me to get her back. You were one ticket away from your quota and I was the lucky victim.
“Did you enjoy the fruit cake I gave you for Christmas?” If given a choice between eating fruitcake or drinking a castor oil shake, I would flip a coin and pray for the castor oil. Fruit cake is so bad that even the cats turn up their noses and say “Give it to the dogs. They will eat anything.”
Fruitcakes make good boat anchors or targets for skeet shooting. Word is that they are good deer repellants if you place them around the garden. So, when Aunt Gladys asked that question about enjoying her fruitcake, you stutter, cough and tell her that it was outstanding.
Notice, she didn’t ask if you ATE it, but did you ENJOY it?
Yes, Aunt Gladys, I enjoyed using it for target practice.
Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.