Premarital Questions
First of all, marriage is great. For me at least. Susan and I got married in June of 2014. Can’t wait for our next anniversary. Since we met in Destin, got engaged in Destin and now live near Destin, the celebration will be easy.
Recently, I was with a bunch of my best friends. Almost all of us were married. Many of them have been married for more than 40 years. One will be married 55 years this year. The others who were single, widowed or divorced expressed their opinions whether it was asked or not.
This is for those contemplating tying the knot that needs some pointers.
These questions need to be cleared up before that wonderful day when the only vow that you remember is “I Do.” When my friend Steve McKinney was asked to repeat his vows after Lisa had said hers, he just said: “Whatever she said, I agree. Where is the bar?”
Folding Towels: There is a certain way that everyone folds their towels. Some use the third, third and third method. Others fold them like the towel police are going to enter the linen closet any minute. Believe me, this needs to be addressed.
Toilet Paper: A decision about the quality and number of ply’s, has led to conflict. One will simply buy what is on sale at Dollar General while the other must have the most expensive, soft textured that will impress friends who might drop in after a supper of chili with beans.
Speaking of toilet paper, the most read question ever presented to Ann Landers had to do with the toilet paper being hung “over” or “under.” This is not a betting term but simply the way that the available tissue sheets come off the roll. Polls show that you have to be a little off to be in the “under” category. Unless you live in Michigan where anything is ok for a frozen butt.
List Making: One of the members of the marriage couple makes a list for everything from groceries to weekly chores. This individual is usually more frugal and only buys items on the list at Walmart. The other wouldn’t write something down even if it means calling back home to get a reminder of whether to buy dish soap or dishwasher soap.
Daily Medicines: Some engineer got awfully smart years ago when he heard about someone who kept forgetting to take their pills. He exclaimed: “Let’s make a rectangular plastic pill box with the seven days imprinted on them. We can also put AM and PM for those who take medicines, twice a day.”
Some lay out the weekly medicines and put them in the proper tiny bin. This task takes about 15 minutes to complete (Me). Others keep their medicine in a cabinet, in a drawer and on the counter. They tend to run around mumbling: “Did I take my pills this morning or not?”
Clean Underwear: This one is easy. One is known to wear clean draws every day and sometimes changes to another clean pair if they are going out that night. The other person wears the same pair for days and checks their cleanliness by simply sniffing them. Some have been known to turn them wrong side out when there are clean ones in the dresser drawer to put on.
Washing Dishes: One comes from the washing school that says, just put them in the dishwasher, that’s what it is there for. The other scrubs the dishes until they are spotless, then place them in the dishwasher. When it finishes running, they get them out, inspect them and dry them with a perfectly clean kitchen towel.
As for the dishwasher, one places the dishes and glasses, any way that they will fit in the machine. The other has them in perfect order, facing the same way, with the cups and glasses at an angle to get plenty of scrubbing.
TV Remote: This has led to an appearance on Divorce Court. One has a specific place where the remote is to be placed, even while watching TV. Later, the clicker can be found in its usual place. The other leaves the remote anywhere from under the cushions, on the end table, under the chair, under the quilt or believe it or not, in the bathroom. Discuss this before marrying.
Gas Gauge: One thinks of the fuel gauge as just a suggestion. They will run the vehicle until the E sign is hidden and enters the W phase for Walk. This individual tends to somehow run out of gas on a regular basis. The partner wouldn’t dare get caught driving a car that had less than a quarter of a tank. This person starts to scope out gas stations when it eases past Half.
Food Combinations: One always has a rigid menu. For example: fried chicken is accompanied by pinto beans, slaw, cream style corn, cornbread and sweet tea. Don’t dare think of serving grilled cheese sandwiches without tomato soup. The other believes in just throwing together, whatever is in the fridge or the pantry. Their combination might be left over spaghetti with mayonnaise, apple sauce, beets, leftover squash and Bloody Mary Mix to wash it down.
Here is the final advice/checklist for those considering going to the altar:
FOR THE HUSBAND: If ever asked: “Does this outfit make me look fat?” The answer should always be: “Sweetheart. Not at all. Nothing makes you look fat. You would look great in a Tow Sack.” Accept the fact that 52 pairs of shoes are not enough. Just one more will do the trick. Don’t get frustrated when she can’t find the left shoe of the pair that she wants to wear. Help her look. Be courteous and call her cell phone if she has misplaced it. Don’t get annoyed if you overhear her talking to the TV if The Batchelor, Jeopardy or American Idol is on. She will always pick the winner.
FOR THE WIFE: Accept the fact that he is set in his ways and it will be difficult to change him. If he wants to put mayonnaise on his black-eyed peas, let him. That old sweatshirt that has stains and holes in it, also contains memories. Let him wear it. Just not out in public. Watch the way that he treats his mother. That is probably going to be the way that he treats you. Enjoy athletic events together. Sometimes, he remembers his playing days and likes to tell you about his games. Why? Because you are his best friend and partner.
TO BOTH: Never go to bed angry. Always sleep in the same bed. Never put your partner down, especially as the butt of a joke. Remember that the sharpest part of the body is the tongue. Hurtful comments don’t go away overnight.
Happy vows to you.