Old and Country

Some people are old, meaning that they were in school with Grover Cleveland. Others are country, meaning that they used a mule’s rear end as a compass when they plowed the back forty. The special ones fall into Both categories: old and country.

I pooch my chest out as a special member of the latter class.

See where you fall on this special spectrum.

Have you ever: drank well water from a gourd dipper when the water was so cold, it almost cracked your teeth? Eaten a piece of fried chicken from the clucker that was running around the backyard that morning before Aunt Gladys caught it and rang its neck? It doesn’t taste quiet as good if it was a chick you got on Easter morning. Sat and waited on a fresh baked apple pie to cool in the open windowsill?

Ever picked wild apples or pears then taken a flint rock and chipped salt from the horse’s salt block to salt your fruit? Nothing like a little horse slobber to enhance the flavor. Mixed cow feed on a concrete slab in the barn then fed it to the Holsteins as they were being milked? Used a hay hook to help lift bales of hay onto the truck? Been too short to reach the pedals in the hay truck so Granddaddy would put it in “Grandma gear” then jump out. Your job was to just drive it straight and dodge the bales. He would jump back in when it got near the end of the field before you hit the kudzu. Ever driven a Farmall tricycle tractor to pull a bushhog? You are special if you rassled with the steering wheel since there was no power steering. Extra credit if your knuckles were bleeding from trying to attach the PTO.

Sat and waited on Momma to patch up the hole in your jeans since you would rather be caught dead than be seen with holey jeans? Today, kid’s unholey jeans are $29 while those with holes in the knees, thighs and butt run at least $130. I guess “holy” jeans would be appropriate for church on Sunday. If Momma wasn’t available, did you ever iron on the store-bought patches? Ever use cardboard as innersoles in your shoes? Daddy used to say that his shoes were so worn-out, he could step on a dime and tell you if it was on heads or tails. Slept with a heated brick, wrapped in a towel by your feet, to keep them warm? Been the third person in line at the clawfoot bathtub, to bathe in the same water?

Ever applied shaving cream from a mug that was made by adding a little water and stirring it with the brush? Confess: every little boy spread the suds on his face at least once, to be just like his dad. Repaired a broken bat by using tacks and electrical tape? Worn Chucks as the official shoe of your basketball team? They came in 2 styles and colors: high top or low cuts; black or white. Ever been playing basketball when someone had a “blow-out” while wearing buddies or piecrusts? Intentionally walked on concrete while wearing metal baseball spikes just to hear the sound? Had to replace the screw-on football cleats on a Friday afternoon before the game that night? Speaking of football shoes, ever had to paint your black shoes before the big games?

Ever traded at lunch, your milk for an extra popsicle? Walked on the catwalk above the stage in the high school auditorium? Pitched quarters in the school bathroom during recess? Or played a gambling game with quarters called “Match” where you declared “odd” or “even” to determine the winner? Had to buy your school textbooks from Weinbaum’s in Tuscumbia, before they were free? Ridden the cheese-wagon bus to an away football game when there was no heater? Eaten a hamburger steak pregame meal that was better than anything on the menu at Ruth’s Chris?

Ridden the loop from Hardees to McDonalds in Mus Shows and back for hours? Classmates who seemed to “hate” their school would fight at the drop of a hat, if someone from a rival school said something derogatory about their alma mater? Had to leave a wild party early since your curfew was 10:30 while others could stay out until midnight? Ever had a date where the boy’s curfew was earlier than his date? Ever had your date’s father ask you if the movie was showing at a walk-in or drive-in? Often, your evening wasn’t quite as thrilling if he exclaimed: “My daughter is NOT allowed to go to drive-in movies?” Speaking of drive-ins, what’s the greatest number of people that you remember cramming in the car trunk to keep from paying? Is there a statute of limitations or is this one of the reasons that they all went out of business?

Ever been prevented from seeing “Gone With the Wind” because Rhett Butler used a cuss word when telling Scarlett how little he cared? Today, half the movies have cusswords in the titles. Ever heard an elder talking about “courting” and “pitch and woo?” Know of someone who couldn’t go swimming if there was going to be members of the opposite sex present? That was called “mixed-bathing” which led to shotgun weddings. Been to an “all day singing and dinner on the ground?” Ever been to Decoration Day or helped dig a grave in the church cemetery?

Ever helped pull a calf or cut hogs? Mountain oysters, by the way, are not grown in the fertile hills of LaGrange Mountain. Put up dishes as a kid which were cleaned by the dog licking them? My Mother and her sisters did this once as kids. When Nanny found out, she made them eat off those “clean” plates. Ever picked purple hulls, Silver Queen, zippers, black eyes, Burpless, and Big Boys from the garden? If you don’t know what these are, there’s no hope for you.

Redhead Reba said it best for all of us:

“We were country, when country wasn’t cool.”